VibeBlog

BEHOLD Rahkeem Cornwall in all his magnificence.

With the proud tradition of fat cricketers facing extinction because of modern sports science and professionalism, West Indies 140kg phenomenon Cornwall is truly the hero world cricket deserves.

The Antiguan off-spinner made international headlines for his standout performance during England’s tour match victory over the West Indies XI in Saint Kitts.

Of course he did.

The 2m giant hit 59 runs off just 61 balls, including three sixes and three fours.

All of that was put in the shade by his impressively jolly frame.

He is yet to make his international debut, but our man Rahkeem is surely on the fast track towards cult hero status.

It turns out cricket fans still love a plump athlete with skills for days. They always have, if this list of cricket’s most fabulously fat legends is anything to go by. It’s a list so esteemed not even Aussie Test great Merv Hughes could make the list.

1. Dwayne Leverock

The sight of Bermudan beauty Dwayne Leverock launching his agile carriage to take one of the most memorable catches in World Cup history will never be forgotten. Nor will the thunderous sound of Leverock touching back down.

Leverock became a star at the 2007 Cricket World Cup when he captured the wickets of English batsmen Paul Collingwood and Kevin Pietersen before taking that catch to dismiss Indian batsman Robin Uthappa two games later.

At 127kg he was the heaviest player at the 2007 Cricket World Cup and the sport was better for having him there.

2. Warwick Armstrong

If there was a captain to an all-star elephant XI, legendary Australian Test captain Warwick Armstrong would be skipper. The all-rounder, known as the “Big Ship”, has one of the most glorious hulls in cricket. More than 190cm tall and 133kg round, Armstrong was the archetype of cricket’s big-boned heroes.

Along with his impressive nautical accomplishments, Armstrong also captained Australia to a 5-0 series sweep of England on the 1920-21 tour and was inducted into the Australian Cricket Hall of Fame in 2000. He also played VFL footy for South Melbourne. You can just see him fighting his way into Lance Franklin’s shiny red trunks, can’t you?

3. Arjuna Ranatunga

If it was just about size, Arjuna Ranatunga may only sneak into cricket’s all-time fattest XI. But his ability to capture the essence of the fat cricketer makes him a certain starter.

Rightly or wrongly, Ranatunga is remembered as the bloke that always called for a runner. It was immortalised in Ian Healy’s famous sledge at the SCG in 1996 when Ranatunga twisted his ankle and called for a runner.

“You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c***,” Healy said.

4. Mark Cosgrove

Wrecking ball Mark Cosgrove surely got the last laugh. The Australian one-day international was unwanted in South Australia because of his impressively rotund frame — and he went on to win two Sheffield Shields with Tasmania.

Cosgrove never shed his “baby Boof” nickname even during those off-seasons when the 32-year-old dropped 16kg. Don’t worry, that pork seems to have found its way back.

5. Inzamam-ul-Haq

Pakistan titan Inzamum ul-Haq’s waist line seemed to grow at the same speed as his flowing hipster beard. The 46-year-old became one of the best batsmen of his generation, all the while hiding a triple chin under that famously feared chin fuzz.

6. Shane Keith Warne

One of the great tragedies of our time is that there is an entire generation of cricket fans out there that has no idea Shane Warne used to be a chocko royal.

They have no idea that before Warney dated glamorous celebrities and flogged hair fertiliser he used to stand for something. He was the physical embodiment of the lazy Australian male — and the country loved him for it.

With Warney crossing over to the dark side, Australian children will sadly have to find someone new to teach them that you can smoke like a chimney and drink like an Irishman and still be a role model.

7. Eddo Brandes

Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes is the man responsible for the single greatest sledge in cricket. Aussie Test legend Glenn McGrath was frustrated at Brandes’ ability to draw out Zimbabwe’s inevitable defeat and shot him a line without realising he was bringing a knife to a gun fight.

“Why are you so fat?” McGrath asked Brandes.

The batsman fired back: “Because every time I f*** your wife, she gives me a biscuit”. Another great moment in fat man’s cricket.

8. Colin Milburn

English cricketer Colin Milburn is remembered in the official Wisden Cricketer’s Almanac as the fattest man to play cricket in India since Aussie Warwick Armstrong. If that wasn’t enough to earn him a spot on this list then his record of celebrating each birthday by adding another stone to his generous frame certainly is.

9. David Boon

Underneath David Boon’s cuddly exterior was a freak athlete. He moved quick enough to field at short leg and an unparalleled fighting spirit was surely witnessed when he set his iconic record of 52 cans of beer while flying from Australia to London for the 1989 Ashes series. 52! ‘Nuff said.

10. W.G. Grace

The original fat cricketer article, William Gilbert Grace was the first to show a player didn’t need sports science, skinfolds and fitness tests to survive in international cricket. The legendary English captain played top-level cricket for 45 years while sporting a flubby tummy that doesn’t quite qualify for dad bod status.

11. Rahkeem Cornwall

Rahkeem the dream. He is the man to carry cricket’s greatest tradition into the next age of overweight athletes.

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